Monday, September 11, 2017

The Price of Beauty

I was in 9th grade when I began to understand that beauty was a societal construct. One day during math, I heard Lamar Hendricks, a charismatic and handsome 10th grader say, “Dude that girl is thick; she so fine,” referring to Gina Lopez as she walked out of the classroom. I was confused. Did he really just say that a female, who is “thick”, could be considered attractive? I thought to myself, “Forget them white boys.”

I was reminded of this experience when I taught high school in Mexico City. Boys would talk about thin girls as too skinny and medium or heavier girls as attractive. It blew my mind and I further understood that definitions of beauty are subjective and totally made up.

While widening our concept of physical beauty is definitely a step in the right direction a la Dove ads, it still objectifies women, much the way Lamar certainly was. It still says that a woman’s body equals her beauty and her worth. Is that objectification inevitable and okay as long as we have a broad definition of beauty?  Or to what extent should our self-esteem be intertwined with our appearance? And how much time and energy should we devote to our appearance?

I’ve had many debates with people about whether it is virtuous to care about what we look like.  My argument has always been that we should look “neat and comely” which I interpret to mean, clean and presentable for the occasion. But others say it’s fine to gain confidence from trying to obtain a worldly standard of beauty. The problem is that feeling good when we look good is a double-edged sword because when we don’t think our looks measure up, our confidence decreases. I don’t want my mood or my feelings of worth to rise and fall according to my compliance with societal standards of beauty. I know they are made up and mostly by people trying to sell something.

These ideas play out in an interesting way on social media. For example, no one starts an Instagram account with pictures of women who, while still maintaining health, hygiene, and decorum, are obviously not bowing to the invented standards of beauty that we waste our time trying to achieve (eyebrows anyone?) What do we gain when we follow these popular Instagrammers? Do we think that if we buy what they are peddling we, too, might be popular?

I had a friend once tell me that she worked hard at being beautiful for no one other than herself. She was open about her plastic surgeries and her extreme dieting and exercise. She assured me that she feels good because she’s achieved the ideal and if others work hard they can feel good by achieving that ideal too. Indeed, she is winning at beauty. But even though I understand her position, I can’t accept that those who are not achieving the beauty ideal should walk around feeling bad about themselves. Oftentimes, they have much more to contribute than those who spend their time working on their looks and their IG photos.

Because beauty and body image have been such huge issues for me, I’ve always admired no nonsense women who seem oblivious to trends and beauty norms such as dying or highlighting hair, wearing makeup, and dressing for anything other than function.  But alas, even though I know beauty standards are made up, and even with all my high-minded ideals, I still succumb to the hype. I am far from immune. I highlight my hair and want an updated wardrobe. Despite major improvements with my body image issues, I still care how heavy I feel. So, where is the line between maintaining health, hygiene, and decorum, versus self-obsession and vanity?

If we look at what is preached from the pulpit, the message seems clear. Elder Holland has said, “In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children.” It seems something is getting lost in translation when Salt Lake City is ranked with one of the highest number of plastic surgeons per capita (trailing only Miami). The plastic surgeons wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t a demand. Where is the line between desiring to look good and being too preoccupied with looking like what the media says is beautiful?

Beauty and weight are so tricky for woman because Satan has inserted himself into this conversation. He knows that if he has us guessing about our worth, we become more desperate for love and attention. When we feel desperate we are vulnerable and more easily accept counterfeit sources of validation.

After Moses had seen God and beheld his glory, Satan appeared and tried to trick Moses into believing he too was a God. Moses could quickly tell that Satan was lying because Satan possessed none of the glory Moses experienced when in God’s presence. When we continuously take time to commune with God through prayer, scriptures study, nature walks, meditation, service, temple attendance etc., our spirits become more adept at feeling the glory of God in our lives. If we are practiced at recognizing the glory of God, when Satan comes at us with his fake, worldly glory, we, like Moses, can discern the difference.

I’m 40 now and the truth is I care a lot less than I used to about how I look. But, I still care. And maybe, as a wise friend pointed out, it’s okay that I do…as long as caring about my looks doesn’t interfere with things that are more important like being on time, proper attention given to my family and others, and responsible allocation of resources (asking myself if purchasing this beauty treatment is living beyond my means or if the money is more responsibly spent elsewhere).

Sometimes, I sincerely wish I could just wear shapeless caftans, orthotic shoes, and let my patches of grey hair grow out. I’m not that liberated yet. You’ll know I’ve made it once I stop posting on Instagram.
 


Help me better understand the motivation behind why we care about the way we look. How much of it is biological? How much of it is trying to get others to lust after us or envy us? Is dressing up a way for you to express yourself? Do you ever tire of caring about how you look? Or do you even care at all?