I was in 9th grade when I began to
understand that beauty was a societal construct. One day during math, I heard Lamar
Hendricks, a charismatic and handsome 10th grader say, “Dude that
girl is thick; she so fine,” referring to Gina Lopez as she walked out of the
classroom. I was confused. Did he really just say that a female, who is “thick”,
could be considered attractive? I thought to myself, “Forget them white boys.”
I was reminded of this experience when I taught high school in Mexico City. Boys would talk about thin girls as too skinny and medium or heavier girls as attractive. It blew my mind and I further understood that definitions of beauty are subjective and totally made up.
While widening our concept of physical beauty is definitely a step in the right direction a la Dove ads, it still objectifies women, much the way Lamar certainly was. It still says that a woman’s body equals her beauty and her worth. Is that objectification inevitable and okay as long as we have a broad definition of beauty? Or to what extent should our self-esteem be intertwined with our appearance? And how much time and energy should we devote to our appearance?
I’ve had many debates with people about whether it is virtuous to care about what we look like. My argument has always been that we should look “neat and comely” which I interpret to mean, clean and presentable for the occasion. But others say it’s fine to gain confidence from trying to obtain a worldly standard of beauty. The problem is that feeling good when we look good is a double-edged sword because when we don’t think our looks measure up, our confidence decreases. I don’t want my mood or my feelings of worth to rise and fall according to my compliance with societal standards of beauty. I know they are made up and mostly by people trying to sell something.
These ideas play out in an interesting way on social media. For example, no one starts an Instagram account with pictures of women who, while still maintaining health, hygiene, and decorum, are obviously not bowing to the invented standards of beauty that we waste our time trying to achieve (eyebrows anyone?) What do we gain when we follow these popular Instagrammers? Do we think that if we buy what they are peddling we, too, might be popular?
I had a friend once tell me that she worked hard at being beautiful for no one other than herself. She was open about her plastic surgeries and her extreme dieting and exercise. She assured me that she feels good because she’s achieved the ideal and if others work hard they can feel good by achieving that ideal too. Indeed, she is winning at beauty. But even though I understand her position, I can’t accept that those who are not achieving the beauty ideal should walk around feeling bad about themselves. Oftentimes, they have much more to contribute than those who spend their time working on their looks and their IG photos.
Because beauty and body image have been such huge issues for me, I’ve always admired no nonsense women who seem oblivious to trends and beauty norms such as dying or highlighting hair, wearing makeup, and dressing for anything other than function. But alas, even though I know beauty standards are made up, and even with all my high-minded ideals, I still succumb to the hype. I am far from immune. I highlight my hair and want an updated wardrobe. Despite major improvements with my body image issues, I still care how heavy I feel. So, where is the line between maintaining health, hygiene, and decorum, versus self-obsession and vanity?
If we look at what is preached from the pulpit, the message seems clear. Elder Holland has said, “In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children.” It seems something is getting lost in translation when Salt Lake City is ranked with one of the highest number of plastic surgeons per capita (trailing only Miami). The plastic surgeons wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t a demand. Where is the line between desiring to look good and being too preoccupied with looking like what the media says is beautiful?
Beauty and weight are so tricky for woman because Satan has inserted himself into this conversation. He knows that if he has us guessing about our worth, we become more desperate for love and attention. When we feel desperate we are vulnerable and more easily accept counterfeit sources of validation.
After Moses had seen God and beheld his glory, Satan appeared and tried to trick Moses into believing he too was a God. Moses could quickly tell that Satan was lying because Satan possessed none of the glory Moses experienced when in God’s presence. When we continuously take time to commune with God through prayer, scriptures study, nature walks, meditation, service, temple attendance etc., our spirits become more adept at feeling the glory of God in our lives. If we are practiced at recognizing the glory of God, when Satan comes at us with his fake, worldly glory, we, like Moses, can discern the difference.
I’m 40 now and the truth is I care a lot less than I used to about how I look. But, I still care. And maybe, as a wise friend pointed out, it’s okay that I do…as long as caring about my looks doesn’t interfere with things that are more important like being on time, proper attention given to my family and others, and responsible allocation of resources (asking myself if purchasing this beauty treatment is living beyond my means or if the money is more responsibly spent elsewhere).
Sometimes, I sincerely wish I could just wear shapeless caftans, orthotic shoes, and let my patches of grey hair grow out. I’m not that liberated yet. You’ll know I’ve made it once I stop posting on Instagram.
I was reminded of this experience when I taught high school in Mexico City. Boys would talk about thin girls as too skinny and medium or heavier girls as attractive. It blew my mind and I further understood that definitions of beauty are subjective and totally made up.
While widening our concept of physical beauty is definitely a step in the right direction a la Dove ads, it still objectifies women, much the way Lamar certainly was. It still says that a woman’s body equals her beauty and her worth. Is that objectification inevitable and okay as long as we have a broad definition of beauty? Or to what extent should our self-esteem be intertwined with our appearance? And how much time and energy should we devote to our appearance?
I’ve had many debates with people about whether it is virtuous to care about what we look like. My argument has always been that we should look “neat and comely” which I interpret to mean, clean and presentable for the occasion. But others say it’s fine to gain confidence from trying to obtain a worldly standard of beauty. The problem is that feeling good when we look good is a double-edged sword because when we don’t think our looks measure up, our confidence decreases. I don’t want my mood or my feelings of worth to rise and fall according to my compliance with societal standards of beauty. I know they are made up and mostly by people trying to sell something.
These ideas play out in an interesting way on social media. For example, no one starts an Instagram account with pictures of women who, while still maintaining health, hygiene, and decorum, are obviously not bowing to the invented standards of beauty that we waste our time trying to achieve (eyebrows anyone?) What do we gain when we follow these popular Instagrammers? Do we think that if we buy what they are peddling we, too, might be popular?
I had a friend once tell me that she worked hard at being beautiful for no one other than herself. She was open about her plastic surgeries and her extreme dieting and exercise. She assured me that she feels good because she’s achieved the ideal and if others work hard they can feel good by achieving that ideal too. Indeed, she is winning at beauty. But even though I understand her position, I can’t accept that those who are not achieving the beauty ideal should walk around feeling bad about themselves. Oftentimes, they have much more to contribute than those who spend their time working on their looks and their IG photos.
Because beauty and body image have been such huge issues for me, I’ve always admired no nonsense women who seem oblivious to trends and beauty norms such as dying or highlighting hair, wearing makeup, and dressing for anything other than function. But alas, even though I know beauty standards are made up, and even with all my high-minded ideals, I still succumb to the hype. I am far from immune. I highlight my hair and want an updated wardrobe. Despite major improvements with my body image issues, I still care how heavy I feel. So, where is the line between maintaining health, hygiene, and decorum, versus self-obsession and vanity?
If we look at what is preached from the pulpit, the message seems clear. Elder Holland has said, “In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children.” It seems something is getting lost in translation when Salt Lake City is ranked with one of the highest number of plastic surgeons per capita (trailing only Miami). The plastic surgeons wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t a demand. Where is the line between desiring to look good and being too preoccupied with looking like what the media says is beautiful?
Beauty and weight are so tricky for woman because Satan has inserted himself into this conversation. He knows that if he has us guessing about our worth, we become more desperate for love and attention. When we feel desperate we are vulnerable and more easily accept counterfeit sources of validation.
After Moses had seen God and beheld his glory, Satan appeared and tried to trick Moses into believing he too was a God. Moses could quickly tell that Satan was lying because Satan possessed none of the glory Moses experienced when in God’s presence. When we continuously take time to commune with God through prayer, scriptures study, nature walks, meditation, service, temple attendance etc., our spirits become more adept at feeling the glory of God in our lives. If we are practiced at recognizing the glory of God, when Satan comes at us with his fake, worldly glory, we, like Moses, can discern the difference.
I’m 40 now and the truth is I care a lot less than I used to about how I look. But, I still care. And maybe, as a wise friend pointed out, it’s okay that I do…as long as caring about my looks doesn’t interfere with things that are more important like being on time, proper attention given to my family and others, and responsible allocation of resources (asking myself if purchasing this beauty treatment is living beyond my means or if the money is more responsibly spent elsewhere).
Sometimes, I sincerely wish I could just wear shapeless caftans, orthotic shoes, and let my patches of grey hair grow out. I’m not that liberated yet. You’ll know I’ve made it once I stop posting on Instagram.
Help me better understand the motivation
behind why we care about the way we look. How much of it is biological? How much
of it is trying to get others to lust after us or envy us? Is dressing up a way
for you to express yourself? Do you ever tire of caring about how you look? Or
do you even care at all?
For me, the way I look is usually utilitarian. Especially when I had little babies. I dress for the activity I'm going to do, not for how I'm going to look in it. But there are days when I just want to look good. It's a self esteem boost to feel good about the way you look. When people check me out, I feel equal parts flattered and uncomfortable that someone is staring at me. It's a weird feeling. But when I try to look good there's a certain amount of validation that comes when other people notice, even if not verbally. And I've noticed that when I dress in my own style as opposed to what I think other people would like I feel better and get better responses from others. So beauty is very personal.
ReplyDeleteIt is largely cultural, and in 21st century consumer societies, commercialism puts a high value on the beauty image they are peddling and consumers pay an increasingly high price for "it". In non-consumer societies and among the very poor there are still criteria for what makes someone "attractive" but they are often very different (often not even having to do with appearance) than what fabulous amounts of money, time, and psychic and spiritual energy are spent on in our society. Since there is always someone richer, thinner, prettier, stronger, more athletic, etc. than you, the only way to win is to not play the game. Do what is reasonable for you (not your"best") to be clean, fit, healthy, groomed, and modestly dressed and then ignore the rest of the chatter. Hard for men to do and even harder for women.
ReplyDeleteIdeals of beauty changes with generations and cultures. Back when we were hunting and gathering, beauty was proabably based on our abilities to hunt, gather, build shelter and continue the species (fertility goddess shape was more desirable). Among many Asian cultures, white skin and plumpness has been associated with beauty because these qualities indicate wealth and power (not having to work out in the sun, and fed on rich foods). In more western cultures, esp recently, we seem to be told by media and the cosmetics/goods/plastic surgery industries what is beautiful and what isn't in order for them to influence our demand. People have more spending power, more self-absorbed, lower dopamine & serotoninevels due to poor diets, so morebprey to the propaganda plastered on screens, pages, and radio. So many reasons. Basically we are made to feel inadequate and unattractive. Then told the solution is this service or that product. Many subscribe to the ads. Some are rooted in value and principles that cannot be swayed by media. Beauty radiates from inside out. So does contentment. That's my 10 cents.
ReplyDeleteI love your paragraph about Moses. Made me think.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in Africa, I thought it was so interesting that women were whitening their skin while I was trying to get a tan.
My personal care routine is to do as little as possible to look presentable.