"Action will remove the doubt that theory cannot solve."
--Pehyl Hsieh
Over
the years, I’ve had my share of doubts about the Mormon church. Some doubts came
from discovering things that prophets and leaders have said or done that didn’t
seem in line with the Gospel of Jesus Christ as I understood it. Other
uncertainties developed after learning historical facts that differed from the
ones I’d been taught at church. And then there are the inherent problems that
exist for women in a system of benevolent patriarchy. While some of my issues
have been resolved through study, prayer, and revelation, some have not. So why
am I Mormon? How can I count myself a faithful and worthy member of the church
even when there are times when I feel there are precious few statements I can
make beginning with the phrase “I know”?
Well,
one answer is that humans are complex creatures. People are not all one way or the
other. No one’s all good or all bad. All knowing or all doubting. So, while at
times I’ve wrestled with ferocious doubts, there are also many instances when
my spirit has expanded with peace and joy in, yes, knowing that my Father in
Heaven intently listens to and answers my prayers, that Christ truly is the Son
of God and the great healer, that the words of the prophets and leaders of the
church radiate with truth, and that we are in the Lord’s restored church.
I’ve
talked numerous hours with family and friends who’ve left the church about
their reasons for leaving. I’ve read countless blog posts and listened to hours
of podcasts, produced by both the faithful and the non-believing, about their
issues with the church and read many books about church history. Through all of
this I’ve come to a few conclusions about why some are consumed by their doubts,
why others can live with them and why some can even find peace in them.
The
first conclusion is that in order to believe and be converted one must accept
that knowledge gained spiritually is equally as valid as knowledge gained
strictly through rational or scientific means. When I am trying to determine
the truth of spiritual things solely through rational deduction, the doubting
side of me can easily take the forefront. Sure, there are gospel principles we
can know are true through rational analysis just as Alma explains in Alma 32.
For example, I can say I know honesty is a true principle because when I’m
honest people trust me. When people trust me, I can have successful relationships.
Successful relationships bring me lasting happiness. Happiness is what I seek.
Therefore, honesty is a true principle. But
on the other hand, there are many things that simply cannot be explained satisfactorily
through rational analysis, such as why a loving God cares enough to directly
answer my prayers about my lost keys, but not the prayers for safety said by a
family just prior to being hit by a drunk driver. Am I to distrust my spiritual
experience just because I can’t explain this? Because I can’t explain all
things? I’ve decided that, no. It’s not acceptable to discount my spiritual
experiences just because I can’t explain all things, because, to paraphrase
Joseph Smith, I know that it happened, and I know God knows I know it happened.
Elder David Evans summed it up well in the last general conference when he said,
“Without knowing everything we can [still] know the truth.”
Each
spiritual experience we have, each communion with God, each burden lifted by
the Savior, each wound healed by Him, and each tender mercy is a pearl of great
price. Each should be treasured, saved and preserved. I am convinced that one’s
ability to recognize, label and remember these spiritual experiences determines
how she will weather the fiery darts of Satan, the mocking and pointing of
others, and, of course, the endless ways that doubts can be placed in our
minds.
Another
tool that helps us to deal with the doubts that might creep up is learning to
distill what is actually the gospel of Jesus Christ from the culture of church
and family. When we are growing up we don’t yet have the analytic capability to
separate what is the Gospel of Jesus Christ from the well intentioned but imperfect
behavior of our parents, church teachers and leaders. Many of these well-intentioned
people are dealing with their own issues and, of course, aren’t perfect or all
knowing. So, for example in some families a culture of fear might have
overshadowed the love of Jesus Christ. Or maybe a dogmatic seminary teacher pushed
a more threatening interpretation of the gospel. When one has not felt the
abounding love and acceptance that is at the heart of the Gospel of Jesus
Christ, there is nothing tethering her to the church when the winds of doubt
blow. It is vital that before discarding the gospel of Jesus Christ that we
take the necessary time in prayer and scripture study so that we can be taught
by the spirit the bounteous love that the Savior offers. We each need to
discover the love of the Savior for ourselves, in our hearts.
Not
everybody will experience crippling doubt, but even if you don’t, someone you
know will. That is the reality. It’s important that we don’t refer to periods
of doubting as any kind of crisis. It’s not a crisis to have your faith
challenged, nor is bad to have doubts. Consider how the Savior blesses the man
who admits. “Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief.” Even though this man did
not have a perfect knowledge, the Savior accepted his honest expression of
incomplete faith and healed his son. Remember it was Satan’s plan that would
force us all to believe perfectly. Inquiry and searching for truth are
hallmarks of our religion. However, it is imperative that one stays
uncompromisingly close to the Lord and holds continuously to the iron rod while
on her journey of discovery.
Whether
it is you who is struggling or someone you know, the answer is the same: love
through the struggle. Love yourself. Love those who believe differently. And
love that we have the luxury to choose what we will believe and to act on it. I’ve
heard stories of very faithful members, not speaking to or interacting as much
with their doubting or unbelieving family and friends. To withhold love and
attention as a means of punishment goes against the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To
me, that is a tragedy: sad for everyone involved. We know that the Savior
sought out and administered to his lost sheep. President Uchtdorf said, “Whatever problems your family is
facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the
solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”
There
is so much more I could say on this topic. But for time’s sake let me leave you
with a couple of things that I’ve found helpful.
First,
read David Evans talk from October General Conference. In it he advised us not
to take on the doubts of others. At times, we may have a few questions and when
we go looking for answers we stumble upon people who are not only questioning
the same things we are, but have a longer list of problems with many aspects of
the church. It is important that we don’t take on their doubts. If we’ve never
had a problem with a certain aspect of the church, we don’t need to adopt one
just because someone else has a problem with it.
Second,
read a book titled Planted by Patrick Q Mason and another book called The
Crucible of Doubt by Fiona and Teryl Givens. They are both published by
Deseret Book. The authors are faithful scholars who articulately address the
doubts people have without discounting or demeaning them. Both books offer
refreshing paradigms for approaching our doubts and concerns about the church.
Finally,
I’d like to offer my testimony. As I stated before, there is so much I can’t say I know with
absolute certainty, but I can unequivocally say I hope. I hope all of it’s
true. And with this hope, I can move forward acting in faith and charity,
knowing that I’d rather stand here than anywhere else.
Each night when I pray, I feel something that is not from me that fills my
heart, guides me, and loves me. I call that something God. I feel Him even as I
write about this. I’ve consciously chosen to trust in my God who, through his
spirit, has guided me to find the peace I’ve sought throughout my life. I’ve
chosen to trust in the God who provided a Son to succor me and heal me as I
stumble along the way; and to trust in the God who provided prophets and
leaders who have vowed to serve Him the best they could. What my life
experience has taught me, and what I could never deny, (so, I guess, what I
know) is that each time I act in faith, each time I step out on the ledge and
follow what I’ve felt God wants me to do, even when it went against reason,
I’ve been blessed a hundred-fold for my small act of faith.
To those who doubt, struggle, find it hard to
be at church or whose hearts are hurting, you are not alone. Whatever you
decide to do, whatever path you decide to take, you’ll always have a place at
my table.
